= 1 star

Starring Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Synopsis

People suddenly start keeling over in Central Park, spurring science teacher Elliot (Mark Wahlberg) and his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel) to flee the city.

The Good

• Nice cinematography.
• A few scary visuals: people freezing in place as the wind blows around them, and a creepy old, solitary lady living alone in the country.

The Bad

• The reason for the odd deaths is given halfway through, instead of a big surprise at the end, and it’s a rather pathetic one.
• No good reason for Elliot as the main protagonist — although he’s a science teacher, he never posits a knowledgable solution to anything, plus his relationship with the emotionally distant Alma proves hardly compelling.
• Lame plot developments. Anybody heard of gas masks, or at least holding a cloth over your face? Isn’t the young girl sad to be separated from her father? Why do the main characters walk so slowly toward each other during a key moment, instead of running?
• Literally no-one behaves like a genuine human — everyone is uncharacteristically sheep-like, walking as if in a daze, or reacting to death with the dumbfounded look of a deer caught in the headlights. Some entertainment in horror movies is seeing people freak out and panic; that never happens.
• The lame ending hints at a sequel nobody wants to see, plus a heavy feeling of pointlessness — no answers, no solutions, and contrary to the title — nothing happens.

Conclusion

With a one-note plot better suited to a single, short episode of The Twilight Zone, the overall resultant takeaway is Shyamalan as an inept writer and director. He should be reprimanded for wasting everyone’s time.

IMDB: The Happening
Wikipedia: The Happening
Rotten Tomatoes: The Happening

= 1 star

Starring Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike
Directed by Jonathan Mostow

Synopsis

In a future world where people stay at home and experience the world through robotic “surrogates,” FBI agents Tom (Bruce Willis) and Peters (Radha Mitchell) investigate the death of an individual who died when his robotic equivalent was destroyed.

The Good

• Amusing premise of people eschewing the risk of life itself and choosing to experience everything behind the walls of technology.
• Nice to see Bruce Willis return to sci-fi after Twelve Monkeys, and Rosamund Pike is rather easy on the eyes — yeah, I got nothing.

The Bad

• The plot dictates that instead of watching real characters, we’re stuck watching their plastic doppelgangers instead, which are facially blank robots with stilted movements and therefore, prove uninteresting acting wise. Also, the fact that they could be blown up with no ill consequences drains much suspense.
• Virtual reality (Second Life style) seems more likely; where people’s avatars could really bend things to extremes. With Surrogates, you’re still limited to the physical world, and it sure seems expensive to maintain all these robots. As a result, I never fully bought into this future vision; this is science fiction with heavy emphasis on the “fiction” vs. Minority Report, where the world mostly seems within the realm of future possibility.
• Unremarkable directing wise; bears the marks of the comic book inspiration with perpetually tilted camara angles for no reason and cheesy, unrealistic feel. Special effects also seem second-rate, as if the effects team knew this film was doomed and gave up about halfway through.

Conclusion

Minority Report plus Westworld brought down a few notches with heavy doses of The Sixth Day — this flick is a surrogate of so many others. Skip it.

IMDB: Surrogates
Wikipedia: Surrogates
Rotten Tomatoes: Surrogates

= 1 star

Starring Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel
Directed by Mark Steven Johnson

Synopsis

Workaholic Beth (Kristen Bell) attends her sister’s wedding in Rome and steals several coins from a fountain, causing several random strangers to fall for her.

The Good

• Kristen Bell bobs about admirably like Reese Witherspoon’s kid sister; definitely deserves better material.
• Something humorously true regarding the male ego in Beth’s suitors utilizing personal, pathetic talents — the enamored artist presents a ridiculous, unflattering drawing of Beth as Munch’s The Scream, and a cut-rate magician character (Jon Heder) ties himself up in her apartment as a sad surprise.
• The rapid-fire horrible first five minutes provide ample warning to hit eject.

The Bad

• A small segment of Woody Allen’s Alice featuring several men falling for one women due to Chinese herbs felt more successful than this much longer excerise.
• Terrible, paint by numbers plot and lazy writing; you can feel your brain cells shrink with every scene.
• I hoped the male lead (Josh Duhamel) would get struck by lightning.
• Hints of shame on Danny DeVito and Anjelica Huston’s faces. Both know this is nowhere near Roman Holiday.

Conclusion

Poor Kristen Bell. Almost slips into so-bad-its-good territory — skip it.

IMDB: When In Rome
Wikipedia: When In Rome
Rotten Tomatoes: When In Rome

= 1 star

Starring Matthew Perry, Lynn Collins, Mary Steenburgen
Directed by Harris Goldberg

Synopsis

Screenwriter Hudson (Matthew Perry) suffers from depersonalization disorder, which causes him to completely withdraw from the world, affecting his work and relationships.

The Good

• Will give Perry some credit for branching out into left-of-field roles — but not too much, because he chose this one.

The Bad

• The unusual medical disorder could have been an interesting enough subject to drive all the drama, but it’s soon sidelined by dumb romance.
• Prime example of the bad flick where a plot starts developing in your head that is infinitely more interesting what’s playing out on screen. Then you fall asleep.

Conclusion

Should have been way more interesting than it eventually became. Skip it.

IMDB: Numb
Wikipedia: Numb
Rotten Tomatoes: Numb

= 1 star

Starring Dane Cook, Kate Hudson, Jason Biggs
Directed by Howard Deutch

Synopsis

Dustin (Jason Biggs) hires roommate Tank (Dane Cook) to take Alexis (Kate Hudson) on an intentionally lousy date to prove what a great guy Dustin is. Unfortunately the whole thing backfires and Alexis and Tank start dating.

The Good

• One funny part: Dustin shaves off an eyebrow.

The Bad

• Dane Cook, resembling a sleepy, puffy Ben Affleck specializes in gross-out humor. I found little of his crass behavior funny.
• Poor Hudson seems too old for this movie, in particular, as Mr. American Pie’s girlfriend.
• By film’s end, Alexis and Tank reunite not for any character-driven reason, but because the movie convention of “opposites attract” dictates it. To do this, Alexis becomes as much of a crass, distasteful asshole as Tank. Pathetic.

Conclusion

Hudson’s been on an unfunny, misogynist roll with this stink fest and the retarded Bride Wars. Don’t waste your time with this dreck — Hollywood needs no encouragement to continue making this swill.

IMDB: My Best Friend’s Girl
Wikipedia: My Best Friend’s Girl
Rotten Tomatoes: My Best Friend’s Girl

= 1 star

Starring Renee Zellweger, Harry Connick Jr., J.K. Simmons
Directed by Jonas Elmer

Synopsis

Snooty Miami executive Lucy (Renee Zellweger) is dispatched to Minnesota to restructure a manufacturing plant, and soon finds the extreme cold, small town ways, and bristly local union rep Ted (Harry Connick Jr.) more than she bargained for.

The Good

• Some humor in urbanite Lucy’s inability to cope with the extreme cold and quirky small town setting (quaint accents, “Fish fry friday,” tapioca pudding). She’s improperly dressed, can’t hunt, and eventually drives a car into a snowy ditch.

The Bad

• Zellweger’s plucky charm from her Bridget Jones role is completely absent. There’s zippo chemistry between her and Connick Jr. — perhaps the icy temperatures rendered her frigid.
• From the one-sentence synopsis above, you know the rest. Lucy gains humanity. Opposites attract. She saves the plant. None are spoilers to anyone with an IQ above 60 below zero.
• Lucy’s plant-saving business plan comes off as completely ridiculous in this consumer-absent recession.

Conclusion

Bitter cold has frozen all life out of this one. Skip it.

IMDB: New In Town
Wikipedia: New In Town
Rotten Tomatoes: New In Town 18%

= 1 star

Starring Mari Matchett, Geraint Wyn Davies, Grace Lynn Kung
Directed by Andrzej Sekula

Synopsis

Eight prisoners awaken in a large cube with no memory of their previous lives. There is no easy escape as this time, the cube has multidimensional properties.

The Good

N/A.

The Bad

• Really didn’t like the multidimensional aspect. The formerly sliding cube has become just one room with exits through multiple dimensions. I found the physicality of sliding cubes much more threatening. Here we have time shifting and other nutty stuff that feels more an intellectual exercise dreamed up in a dorm room.
• As with its predecessor, almost unbearably wooden acting — with one exception, and unfortunately much suspense is removed when one realizes what’s in store for the best actor / actress.
• Despite better special effects, several of the traps resemble video game graphics. There’s also an annoying sound effect whenever a door closes that sounds like a face slap.
• One smart move in the first film was revealing so little about the outside world, so the cube itself could serve as metaphor for life itself. The little tidbits about the outside world revealed in this installment ruin that effect.

Conclusion

Bad sequel to a good movie. Skip this one entirely.

IMDB: Cube 2: Hypercube
Wikipedia: Cube 2: Hypercube
Rotten Tomatoes: Cube 2: Hypercube

= 1 star

Starring Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman
Directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski

Synopsis

Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) belongs to a family with racing in its blood, which comes in handy when he wants to end a conspiracy of cheating drivers.

The Good

• Ambitious in bringing anime / manga style to the screen, with bright day glow colors, fast and furious cuts, and framing characters in stylized profile or front views while backgrounds shift behind.
• Will surely be loved by video game and cartoon obsessed kids under the age of ten, although I’d personally consider this a sign of irreparable brain damage.

The Bad

• I got a headache after a mere ten minutes of soaking in this CGI cartoon world. There’s literally too much crap going on, making it difficult to concentrate on the story, and characters often look like they’re before a green screen with no effort made to blend them into the CGI environments. I found the end result often confusing, disjointed, and mind numbing.
• I can’t say any of the elsewhere excellent actors – Emile Hirsch, Susan Sarandon, Christina Ricci – get any chance to act, beyond very stylized facial expressions. They are literally overwhelmed by the optical distraction going on around them. The only ones who manage to transcend the nutty world is the younger brother and the chimpanzee, because their slapstick comic relief is goofier and frantic enough to break through the garish visuals.
• No sense of danger or tension during the car chases, since it all looked fake.

Conclusion

It’s an understatement to say I didn’t get this movie. If you thought George Lucas overdid it with the CGI pod race in The Phantom Menace – well, this is even worse.

Speed Racer is like Transformers, Dick Tracy, and Charlie And The Chocolate Factory Antares-auto-tuned into over-compressed pop music blaring on 11 until I had to shut it off. It’s nearly the polar opposite of everything I consider a satisfying movie. If you’re over ten with even a limited ability to appreciate subtlety: skip it.

IMDB: Speed Racer
Wikipedia: Speed Racer
Rotten Tomatoes: Speed Racer 36%

= 1 star

Starring Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn
Directed by Peyton Reed

Synopsis

Co-habitating couple Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) and Gary (Vince Vaughn) decide to break up, but neither wants to move out of their Chicago condo. Hilarity ensues.

The Good

• Aniston is solidly believable portraying Brooke’s simultaneous frustration and compassion for crass and immature Gary (Vaughn).

The Bad

• I’m increasingly less amused by the wisecracking, man-child Vaughn portrays in all his movies. He and Aniston seemed to be in different movies altogether, which only made me root for their separation.
• The cadre of misfit supporting characters aren’t funny enough. John Michael Higgins, a standby of Christopher Guest mockumentaries leads an excruciatingly un-funny sing along to Owner of a Lonely Heart. Also shamefully wasted are Jason Bateman, Joey Lauren Adams, and Judy Davis.
• Never finds a tone between dark and light comedy.

Conclusion

Two people slowly realize over the course of two excruciating hours what is painfully obvious from the first scene — some couples are better off apart. Skip it.

IMDB: The Break-Up
Wikipedia: The Break-Up
Rotten Tomatoes: The Break-Up

= 1 star

Starring Laura Dern, Jeremy Irons
Directed by David Lynch

Synopsis

While filming a strange movie, actress Nikki (Laura Dern) embarks on a journey into the bizarre.

The Good

• Laura Dern — such a trooper — is able to handle every twisted idea thrown her way.
• Lynch serves up the expected horrifying moments: the obligatory red curtain, bizarre lighting, and overlapping plot elements (watch that screwdriver). He also employs a few notably uncomfortable techniques like extreme closeups and the awkwardly bright colors of the digital video format.
• Brief vignettes of rabbits in a turquoise room with an inappropriate laugh track, which suggests anthropomorphic memories of our childhood and the rote mechanizations of sitcoms.

The Bad

• Overall, I feel the digital video format as used here, had more downsides than benefits. There are loads of pointless shots, extreme closeups, shaky hand held camera shenanigans, and poor lighting — essentially, David Lynch home movies.
• The acting is mostly capable but generally on the stilted side. I blame this all on Lynch, who started this film with no screenplay and would just hand scripts out on the day of photography. I don’t think the experiment worked.
• Too much strange, inexplicable stuff for my taste. The plot has something to wtih an actress filming a movie where the lead actors died, gets involved with her co-worker, gets confused with the character she plays then ends up on some journey with involvement in a European prostitution ring. But there’s an equal amount of stuff thrown in there that contradicts what I just wrote, and most likely everything is symbolic. But as with Lost Highway, I’m entirely unmotivated to figure it out, as I felt no love for these characters or the odd situations they were in, and there most likely is no explanation anyway.

Conclusion

Inland Empire was occasionally interesting for its experimental weirdness but often unbearable in regards to everything else. I wouldn’t even consider it a film in the everyday sense of the word — it’s a series of amusing, and sometimes horrifying ideas, of interest to only the most hardcore Lynch fans. Otherwise, skip it.

Next David Lynch Movie:
Previous David Lynch Movie: Mulholland Drive

IMDB: Inland Empire
Wikipedia: Inland Empire
Rotten Tomatoes: Inland Empire 70%

= 1 star

Starring Kenneth Branagh, Winona Ryder, Judy Davis
Directed by Woody Allen

Synopsis

Writer Lee Simon (Kenneth Branagh) and Robin (Judy Davis) get divorced. Lee struggles to worm his way into the entertainment industry any way possible, while his wife finds success in her own way.

The Good

• A fair point about the ridiculous nature of celebrity, where some are famous for being famous with little talent to speak of. Overall, it’s done in an occasionally brilliant black and white style, featuring crowded, claustrophobic rooms and Allen’s favorite Felliniesque characters aggressively filling the frame.
• Judy Davis is solid, playing a much warmer character than in previous Allen films. Leonardo DiCaprio has one barn-burstingly frenzied sequence as a temper-prone, self-absorbed actor. Also amusing are smaller roles filled out by Charlize Theron, Famke Jannsen, and Winona Ryder.

The Bad

• Kenneth Branagh plays Lee rather untransparently as a Woody Allen “surrogate” character, firing off neurotic, Allen-esque lines that all come across rather annoying and juvenile. I’d say it’s bad acting choices on Branagh’s part, and sadly, nearly sinks the entire film.
• Way too long for its simple point: by film’s end, it’s all chalked up to a simple four letter word that starts with “L” — and it’s not “love” or “help.”
• A character visits a psychic palm reader for help, further reliance on the occult / magic theme of Allen’s work: Alice, Curse Of The Jade Scorpion, Shadows And Fog, Scoop…
• Please watch La Dolce Vita instead.

Conclusion

I had a hard time with Celebrity, mostly because of its distasteful chararcters — but I reserve the largest amount of annoyance for the director that put together this rarely enlightening and often tedious freak show. Skip it.

Next Woody Allen Movie: Sweet And Lowdown
Previous Woody Allen Movie: Deconstructing Harry

IMDB: Celebrity
Wikipedia: Celebrity
Rotten Tomatoes: Celebrity 39%

= 1 star

Starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley
Directed by William Shatner

Synopsis

Shore leave for the Enterprise crew is interrupted when the emotional, cult-leader Vulcan Sybok takes several ambassadors hostage with the intent to commandeer a starship for a spiritual journey.

The Good

• One interesting scene where Sybok forces McCoy and Spock to revisit suppressed pain from their past. Yeah… that’s it.

The Bad

• The characters we’ve grown to love over the years are abused in shockingly insensitive ways, mostly by a weak script which has everyone behaving out of character. The list is nearly endless: a hinted romance between Uhura and Scotty that never existed before, Sulu and Chekov get lost in the woods and fake a blizzard, Uhura performs a nude feather dance, Scotty hits his head on an overhanging beam and prat falls down, Sulu can’t fly a shuttle craft properly, Kirk wears a t-shirt saying “Go climb a rock,” and Bones, Spock, and McCoy resort to singing “Row Row Row Your Boat” (not Shakespeare). All this stuff is surely meant to maintain the levity from Star Trek IV, but the humor there was based in the characters (Bones griping about the primitive medicine he sees).
• Endlessly ridiculous situations come across like a Trek parody: The Enterprise is sent on a mission with inoperable transporters and the bridge an uncharacteristic, chaotic mess (nonsensical humor), Nimbus III features a space cantina with a humanoid cat (even more ridiculous than the bar in Star Trek 3) Sybok’s religious cult takes over the Enterprise with hardly a fight, and then we’re hanging with God on the other side of the barrier.
• Completely incompetent and non-threatening Klingons (one looks like David Crosby) — yawn.
• Canon inconsistencies: In just one scene, Spock has flying boots (never existed before), the Enterprise goes up to some ridiculous number like deck 79, and Spock can’t calculate Kirk and McCoy’s weight despite being able to estimate the extremely more complex velocity needed to sling shot around the sun in Star Trek 4.
• Shatner — who came up with this story — seems to have deliberately written manly stuff just for Kirk. Our beloved Captain rock climbs up the face of El Capitan with no ropes, rides a horse, and demonstrates hand to hand combat skills with the aforementioned cat creature, doesn’t reveal past pain to Sybok, and talks back to God.
• Sub-par special effects — ILM, who worked on previous installments, was busy with other films.

Conclusion

Star Trek V’s biggest head scratcher is how Shatner, who spent so many years playing Captain Kirk, seems out of touch with the characters, and serves up a stock adventure plot that could be another Beastmaster. Skip this awful and often unintentionally funny installment entirely and voyage to the far superior Star Trek 6.

IMDB: Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier
Wikipedia: Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

= 1 star

Starring Bill Pullman, Patricia Arquette, Robert Blake
Directed by David Lynch

Synopsis

A jazz saxophonist (Bill Pullman) and wife (Patricia Arquette) receives strange videotapes of someone observing their house. Events soon turn bizarre, there’s a murder, and a transformation into another person.

The Good

• If you’re looking for strange visuals and weird, inexplicable crap, you won’t be disappointed. Some highlights are Robert Blake as the “mystery man,” a Tarantino-esque outburst about tailgating, and innocent Twin Peaks–like romance — but all else provoked head-scratching.
• Essentially two overlapping films, suggesting a “puzzle” that may inspire some toward further analysis. My “explanation” is Fred is schizophrenic with a faulty memory, and the entire film is from his point of view. He murdered his wife, and the “mystery man” exists solely in his imagination. Some sequences are flashbacks and overlap with current events — for example, the final car chase is his recollection, cut short when he is executed by electric chair.

The Bad

• I could rewatch this flick and really try to work out the “explanation” but I’m so not motivated to do so. There’s an equal chance this is just a bunch of random stuff from aborted projects, cobbled together.
• Some interminably long and dull sequences. I expected it to end three or more times, yet it just kept going.
• No compelling characters. Bill is essentially a passive cipher, his wife a mere lust object. They’re visual symbols, and often no more interesting than colors flitting back and forth on a screen. I could somehow relate to the confused Eraserhead on the level of male fears of the opposite sex, and the equally confusing Mulholland Drive contained a brave, mesmerizing performance by Naomi Watts, but here — I got nothing.

Conclusion

I’ve enjoyed other Lynch films (Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive, and even the confused Fire Walk With Me), but Lost Highway was a big disappointment. I can handle bizarre visuals and incomprehensible story lines, but seem to require at minimum, decent characters or acting to provide an entry point. Sorry Mr. Lynch, you literally lost me with this one.

IMDB: Lost Highway
Wikipedia: Lost Highway
Rotten Tomatoes: Lost Highway 51%

= 1 star

Starring Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Candice Bergen
Directed by Gary Winick

Synopsis

Two BFF inadvertently set their weddings on the exact same date, setting off a series of increasingly cruel attempts to ruin the other’s big day.

Note: In lieu of my standard review format, I shall just post a stream of Twitters posted during my viewing. I think they speak for themselves.

• Oh crap. Wife has the remote and is renting Bride Wars from Apple TV. Damn you, Apple
• Bride Wars: Does the wedding / diamond industry sponsor these movies?
• Bride Wars: wife: Kate Hudson’s hair looks like Cher’s — how can I take this seriously?
• Bride Wars: Women only act like this in the movies, otherwise no man anywhere would ever get married
• Bride Wars: XP on a MacBook. Somehow I don’t think Anne Hathaway’s character would be that computer saavy
• Bride Wars: That The Wrestler was pre-empted by a sneak remote control move somehow makes this movie more painful
• Bride Wars: Realizing I have watched a string of crappy movies lately that I am in no mood to review.
• Bride Wars: The doctor of dance. A few seconds of humor.
• Bride Wars: Anne Hathaway is an Oompa Loompa
• Bride Wars: Orange Anne Hathaway doing a sexy dance on a rope surrounded by male strippers. Okay that has a little base appeal.
• Bride Wars: I will say, blue haired Kate Hudson does bitchy / high strung well, but it isn’t funny.
• Bride Wars: Make the two BFF in love with each other and move to Iowa
• Bride Wars: Oh yeah, two brides wrestling halfway down the aisle, where’s the mud
• Bride Wars: If you’re going to make a dark comedy, go for the throat with a knife, don’t just color it orange

Conclusion

Bride Wars is hopelessly confused between dark and romantic comedy. The result is less bitingly funny than Meet The Parents nor as sickly sweet as the disappointing but tolerable Made Of Honor. Shifts in tone are made more extreme by really odd montages of still images narrated by Candice Bergen, seemingly slapped on after the fact.

One star for orange Hathaway’s bizarre dance routine culminating in a rope swing — so bad it’s good. Otherwise, skip it.

IMDB: Bride Wars
Wikipedia: Bride Wars
Rotten Tomatoes: Bride Wars 12%

= 1 star

Starring Matthew Broderick, Brittany Snow, Steve Coogan
Directed by Peter Tolan

Synopsis

Television producer Taylor (Matthew Broderick) has a gambling problem, which proves problematic when he treks to Vegas to rescue his wayward niece Amanda (Brittany Snow) who is working as a prostitute. Note: this is supposed to be a comedy.

The Good

• Broderick is charming, I found myself rooting for Taylor — the guy just can’t catch a break.

The Bad

• Uninspired direction results in a surprisingly slow and unfunny movie, despite the glitzy Las Vegas setting and some clever writing. Most of the time is spent in cheesy hotels and casinos which should have been much funnier, perhaps as satire. Meanwhile, a dinner where Taylor exposes his niece’s white trash husband is a great example of how not to direct comedy.
• Brittany Snow makes no impression, and Steve Coogan’s comic talents are wasted.
• Way too much dialogue, half entirely forgettable.

Conclusion

This flick drags interminably which is quite sad given the location and subject matter. It makes Las Vegas look like Florida, prostitution like flossing teeth, and gambling like an utter waste of time. One star because I felt sorry for Broderick. Don’t bet your movie retnal money on this loser.

IMDB: Finding Amanda
Wikipedia: Finding Amanda
Rotten Tomatoes: Finding Amanda 40%

= 1 star

Starring Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett, Harvey Keitel
Directed by Stanley Donen

Synopsis

Adam (Kirk Douglas) and Alex (Farrah Fawcett), research scientists living on moon of Saturn, are visited by Benson (Harvey Keitel), delivering a robot assistant named Hector.

The Good

• Gets interesting when Benson constructs Hector, a horrific combination of human biology and mechanics in the form of a metal skeleton with tube filled fluids and a gigantic brain tube in its torso. The robot has a “direct input” brain link to Benson, who unfortunately transfers negative personality traits to the Frankenstein-esque robot.
• Neat sequence of trusting  a robot to remove something from an eyeball, a particularly vulnerable human part.

The Bad

• Douglas and Keitel can’t do much with their simplistic characters.
• Fawcett — well — she runs around in a bed sheet and displays a surprising amount of inventive fashions for a woman living on a space station with just one other person. She also recites lines in a very dull monotone, making her most convincing line: “I don’t know.”
• The special effects are bad, really bad. Any exterior shot is painfully obvious as a miniature or a matte painting. The interiors are a very odd, cheap mix of every half-baked sci-fi movie you can think of.
• Keitel’s dialogue was dubbed because the director wasn’t happy with his Bronx accent.
• The passable plot premise eventually collapses into a rather standard sci-fi horror situation of kill or be killed, with loads of logical inconsistencies and unintentionally funny moments along the way. The ultimate survival plan is a silly variation on the dug pit with wooden stakes.

Conclusion

One would think that after Star Wars (1977) and Alien (1979), the bar would have been raised high enough that crappy sci-fi like this wouldn’t have been greenlit. If this flick had a production date of 1976 (Logan’s Run) the schlock would have been tolerable, but it dates from 1980.

Ultimately, I just found myself gawking at the patchwork set design and Fawcett’s goofy outfits, both not enough to justify watching a movie. Skip it.

IMDB: Saturn 3
Wikipedia: Saturn 3
Rotten Tomatoes: Saturn 3 17%

= 1 star

Starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, Katie Holmes
Directed by Callie Khouri

Synopsis

Three Federal Reserve employees hatch an operation to steal wads of cash no longer in circulation.

The Good

Nothing.

The Bad

• Neither Keaton, Latifah, or Holmes makes any impression. Keaton’s yuppie wife comes off as completely materialistic, selfish, and wholly immoral — her family is hardly bad off and just need to “maintain their lifestyle.” Holmes attempts quirky / daffy, but doesn’t go far enough. Latifah has more reason than the other two to turn to crime, but by association with the other two nitwits shows a serious lack of character.
• You’d think a heist would be inherently exciting, but not this one. The three women basically sneak old money out of a mint little by litte — no car chases, glitzy casinos, crazy earthquake machines, or hot babes seducing smarmy characters. The most used location is a women’s bathroom. Yawn.
• If you can’t deliver glitz, glamor, or spectacle, how about humor? Well, the “jokes” contained within are very weak and spineless. It feels like the biggest joke is Diane Keaton in a mug shot.

Conclusion

This movie really annoyed me. It also encourages the now-passe thought that money is the answer to everything, and is therefore worth committing a crime to get it. To top it off, it’s told in an utterly boring manner. I wanted to visit the laundromat — not to launder some cash — but to wash away any memory of this cinematic travesty.

IMDB: Mad Money
Wikipedia: Mad Money
Rotten Tomatoes: Mad Money

= 1 star

Starring Amanda Peet, Brian Van Holt, Judah Domke
Directed by Peter M. Cohen

Synopsis

Three sexist males who brag about the women they’ve bagged, end up falling for the same woman, Mia (Amanda Peet). Hilarity ensues.

The Good

• I suppose when one realizes the three protagonists are jerks, there’s some good old “schaufenrude” at seeing these ridiculous individuals humiliated by a strong, confident woman.

The Bad

• Extremely crude, raunchy sex dialogue and distasteful scenes: vibrator retrieval from a toilet filled with urine.
• No likable characters. Pretty much everyone is set up to be an asshole, or a douchebag, or both simultaneously. It wears thin as we soon realize these guys are very one dimensional characters.
• The premise of a woman dating three doltish men simultaneously plays out as expected, as the men stupidly fail to contemplate why Mia would ever tolerate this silly situation. The answer turns out to be rather obvious and mean-spirited, and ultimately the easy, lazy way out.

Conclusion

Somehow, by not being as much scum, Amanda Peet as an actress emerges relatively unscathed. There’s a sad sort of justice in that, but absolutely no reason to see Whipped. Skip it.

IMDB: Whipped
Wikipedia: Whipped
Rotten Tomatoes: Whipped

= 1 star

Starring Heather Graham, Mia Kirschner, Tom Ellis
Directed by Eric Styles

Synopsis

Thirty-something Londoner Georgina is told she has “one egg left” sending her on a hurried quest to get pregnant ASAP. Hilarity ensues.

The Good

• Graham and Kirschner, both donning British accents — have loads of chemistry together. Too bad they lack the proper equipment.
• Graham is likable enough in the lead, although her character’s total lack of intelligence does nothing to quash the pretty but clueless blond stereotype.

The Bad

• For such a presumably urgent situation, there’s an odd lack of urgency due to the lazy direction.
• Logic holes abound. Imagine you were in this situation; what would be your first choice? Sperm bank, most likely. It takes a while for Georgina to try that, and she gives up all too easily after she squirts the goods on a birthday cake. Our heroine soon falls into a cartoon pattern — try something and fail, then try something else, not unlike the coyote implementing various schemes to snag the road runner.
• Georgina seduces a man and brings him back to her flat, where she has left her baby making calendar on the coffee table. Naturally, he reads it and flees. Stupid, stupid, stupid — and she wants to pass her genes on to the next generation?
• Taking a cue from the coyote cartoons, the flick could have gone far funnier places. How about Georgina becoming a hooker? How about using Clem as man-bait and then engaging in a threesome? How about a sperm-bank heist? How about jumping the fertility doctor?
• Ready conflict remains sadly unexploited — a hook up with Zak’s best friend, or Zak accidentally gets the “rich girl” rival pregnant. But no, the film saunters lazily toward the obvious, safe ending, just like the safe sex Georgina has surely practiced all her life.

Conclusion

Passable, totally brain-dead and harmless, dipping one toe in so-bad-its-good territory. Could run in the background while you do your taxes — which is sad, considering the potential wayward sex-appeal of its subject matter. Skip it.

IMDB: Miss Conception
Wikipedia: Miss Conception
Rotten Tomatoes: Miss Conception 10%

= 1 star

Starring Brittany Murphy, Matthew Rhys, Santiago Cabrera
Directed by Alek Keshishian

Synopsis

American-in-London Emily “Jacks” Jackson (Brittany Murphy) works for Vogue magazine and has a cadre of close friends, including gay roommate Peter. Handsome photographer Paolo takes a liking to Emily, whom she mistakenly believes is interested in Peter. Hilarity ensues.

The Good

• Has a solid “indie” feel, it’s not at all glossy and in some spots quite raw.
• Brittany Murphy does an okay job. I was thoroughly unimpressed with her in Little Black Book. Here, she’s at least credible, but still comes off as a lesser Anne Hathaway.

The Bad

• Murphy is meant to be Audrey Hepburn (or at least, dress like her) a point hammered home when several characters watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s. They later watch Notting Hill. It just points out the film’s failings in comparison to these far superior films. Brittany is no Audrey; no way!
• The gay plot device doesn’t entirely work, as having “Jacks” be so clueless about Paolo’s orientation just makes her look stupid. I mean, having a gay roommate and working in the fashion industry should bless her with a vastly improved “gaydar.”
• Cliches abound — the boorish best friend, car chases at film’s end, and really silly cameo with Gwyneth Paltrow and Orlando Bloom. Peter has written a screenplay. I’m sure you can already imagine how the cameo comes about.

Conclusion

With a title like this, it’s too easy. This film is one of those “other disasters.” Stay far, far away.

IMDB: Love And Other Disasters
Wikipedia: Love And Other Disasters
Rotten Tomatoes: Love And Other Disasters

= 1 star

Starring Aaron Eckhart, Elizabeth Banks, Jessica Alba
Directed by Bernie Goldmann, Melisa Wallack

Synopsis

Middle-aged Bill (Aaron Eckhart) works at his father-in-law’s bank and dreams of opening a donut franchise, until one day he realizes his wife (Elizabeth Banks) is cheating on him. A mid-life crisis ensues, but with the help of a high-school student, Bill begins to make sense of his life.

The Good

• Aaron Eckhart makes the sad-sack Bill likable through endearing quirks: hiding Snickers in his desk and creating a cut-out of his nemesis, as he did for the smarmy PR guy in Thank You For Smoking. For the first half hour, I thought this flick was going somewhere.

The Bad

• All characters besides Bill are at best shallow and at worst pointless. There’s so little character development behind Bill’s wife, that she comes across as unfaithful for the most trivial, superficial reasons. Bill’s highschool kid friend is like a child-stalker, showing up at the worst moments plot-wise. One scene of the kid demonstrating lacy underwear to a mall worker (Jessica Alba) killed what little interest I had up until that point.
• So many situations leading up to hilarity that never cross that final line into laughs. This flick is an outline for a far funnier one.
• A completely unsatisfying ending. Here, I’ll ruin it for you: Bill finally decides he hates his life and is leaving town for “something better.” What is this new life? Where is he going? He doesn’t say.

Conclusion

Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, and skip it. Not even worth the time as a free, Netflix “Watch Now” title.

IMDB: Meet Bill
Wikipedia: Meet Bill
Rotten Tomatoes: Meet Bill 16%

= 1 star

Starring Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Matthew Marsden
Directed by Russell Mulcahy

Synopsis

The entire United States has been devastated by the deadly T-virus. Genetically altered Alice (Milla Jovovich) teams up with a band of apocalypse survivors to eliminate the epidemic and take on the mysterious Umbrella Corporation.
The Good

• A few sorta cool self-referential sequences that reference the first and second installments. Essentially, Alice makes her way back to the Raccoon City underground in the quest to find a cure for the zombie-creating T-virus.
• Alice the clone gets to meet her own clone.
• Mill Jovovich is appropriately hot as always.

The Bad

• Tries to mix things up by moving to a post-apocalyptic world where survivors ride about Road Warrior style running from the zombies. Unfortunately, the new crack team is a real bore, and even the zombies have become rather dull, as if our heroes have run out of entertaining ways to slay them.
• Most of the characters from the second movie — including the amusingly clad Jill Valentine — are absent. Hey, if you got nothing beyond zombies, at least keep the eye candy.

Conclusion

Out of all the Resident Evil flicks, this one felt the most like watching someone else playing a video game. This was not a good thing.

IMDB: Resident Evil: Extinction
Wikipedia: Resident Evil: Extinction
Rotten Tomatoes: Resident Evil: Extinction

= 1 star

Starring John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Cedric the Entertainer
Directed by F. Gary Gray

Synopsis

Mobster / movie producer Chili Palmer (John Travolta) enters the music business, weaving his way through various corrupt industry characters to break a rising star.

The Good

• Cameos galore.

The Bad

• The endless list of talented actors (Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Debi Mazar, Harvey Keitel, James Woods) eventually becomes a mark of shame since all fail to add up to anything watchable.
• This flick glorifies the worst aspects of Los Angeles culture (terrible fashion choices, entertainment industry glitz, style and surface over substance, banality). Example: A music deal is negotiated with Steven Tyler after a Laker’s Game in a sky box while smoking cigars. The “in” for the deal? Uma Thurman has an Aerosmith ass tattoo.
• A good sign of movie boredom is when one starts analyzing actors’ looks. I questioned the reality of the Rock’s facial hair. My wife thought Thurman looked like a goat, and we both concluded Travolta’s lower jaw is wider than his forehead, leading him to increasingly resemble a reptile. Apologies, but the movie itself wasn’t holding our interest.
• The real sad moment is when Travolta and Thurman share a dance, meant as  homage to Pulp Fiction, except in this case, it’s to a Black Eyed Peas song and no chemistry or crackle occurs. It’s just sad.

Conclusion

Big thumbs down Be Cool. Skip it.

IMDB: Be Cool
Wikipedia: Be Cool
Rotten Tomatoes: Be Cool

= 1 star

Starring John Abbey, Delphine Seyrig
Directed by William Klein

Synopsis

Mr. Freedom (John Abbey) is a dork-tastic American super hero, sent to defend France against the French Anti-Freedom organization. Unfortunately, he behaves like a stereotypical American and destroys half of France.

The Good

• Klein’s visual sense is pretty fantastic, creating nutty retro visual blasts resembling Yellow Submarine as filmed by Kubrick. Especially daffy is Mr. Freedom bursting into a rally wearing a super-hockey-football outfit, and an 8 1/2–esque arena pit where various freedom fighters train in muddy chaos.
• Some blunt yet humorous satire: Mr. Freedom sleeps with a gun in his hand and wields it crassly on a maid. The American embassy is a grocery store featuring blond, dancing models decked in stars and stripes. Our hero is referred to as Mr. Free-“dumb.” And yeah, eventually bricks-for-brains goes too far, demonstrating quite literally the stupidity of war as a solution to everything.

The Bad

• Unfortunately, Klein’s bizarre visuals only go so far — it can’t cover up the utter lack of plot, poor pacing (essential for humor), one-dimensional characters, and the stream of consciousness dialogue — whenever Mr. Freedom opens his mouth, out emerges the secret weapon of bore-“dumb.”

Conclusion

Mr. Freedom occasionally hits home when it links American stupidity, pointless consumerism, and the American military complex, but overall, it takes too long to get its point across, and rarely does it in an entertaining fashion. Still, fans of obscure, underground film who are willing to tolerate bore-“dumb” for moments of zany brilliance may find something to enjoy.

IMDB: Mr. Freedom
Wikipedia: Mr. Freedom
Rotten Tomatoes: Mr. Freedom

= 1 star

Starring Vincent Price, Frankie Avalon, Susan Hart
Directed by Norman Taurog

Synopsis

Dr. Goldfoot’s (Vincent Price) devious plan is to have bikini-clad female robots seduce world leaders and steal their money. Number 11 (Susan Hart) is sent to reel in millionaire Todd Armstrong (Dwayne Hickman) but accidentally gets mixed up with secret agent Craig Gamble (Frankie Avalon). Hilarity ensues.

The Good

• Quite camp-tastic premise, equal parts spy (Gold-“foot”, get it?) and horror parody, which is all a cover for showing pretty women in shiny swimsuits.

The Bad

• A slightly sexist and sadistic streak which just makes one shake their head at the innocent chauvinism of decades past.
• Things soon devolve into slapstick and stupidity.

Conclusion

This film is infamous for reuniting several folks from the Beach Party flicks, helped inspire Austin Powers, and was directed by Norman Taurog of Elvis’s cinematic meanderings. All this information surrounding the film is better than the movie itself. The trailer provides all the cheesy camp you need.

I will nobly skip the sequel, Dr. Goldfoot And The Girl Bombs, which is said to be even worse.

IMDB: Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine
Wikipedia: Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine
Rotten Tomatoes: Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine 20%

= 1 star

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Tommy Morrison
Directed by John G. Alvidsen

Synopsis

Following the Ivan Drago match in Rocky IV, Rocky learns he has brain damage, and his unscrupulous accountant has left his family bankrupt. After a forced return to the “old neighborhood” Rocky trains a new, promising boxer Tommy Gunn (Tommy Morrison) and finds a challenge of a different kind in hyper-competitive promoter George Washington Duke (Richard Gant).

The Good

• The near-comical exaggerations of Rocky III and Rocky IV are kept under check by the return of the director of Rocky and Rocky II, John G. Alvidsen.
• Stallone successfully resurrects the initial dopey but endearing Rocky character, through an amazing amount of dialogue, and honest family scenes.
• The story is more compelling than previous installments, touching on issues of fatherhood, training a protegee, and the ever-present pull of family vs. fame.

The Bad

• Several actors are borderline terrible, Rocky’s son Rocky Jr. (Sage Stallone), Tommy Gunn (Tommy Morrison), and the crazy promoter George Washington Duke (Richard Gant). Unfortunately, half the movie rides on these three, and later scenes with Duke yelling at Gunn and Rocky Jr. pummeled at school yard are a serious chore to watch.
• While it’s great this flick varies from the typical Rocky pattern, Rocky isn’t in the ring, and several expected Rocky moments are missing or awkward. The training sequence is cringe-worthy, the Tommy Gunn vs. Union Cane match is a let down, and there’s no “Gonna Fly Now” music.
• The climax is a pathetic street fight between Rocky and Tommy Gunn, that makes little sense plot-wise, and completely fails to capture the old Rocky feeling. It’s just embarrassing.

Conclusion

While Rocky V gets some credit for a smarter story and a return to Rocky’s roots, it’s saddled by crappy acting and a completely unsatisfying finale. Skip it and rent Rocky Balboa, which succeeds where Rocky V fails, and provides a satisfying conclusion to the Rocky Balboa saga.

IMDB: Rocky V
Wikipedia: Rocky V
Rotten Tomatoes: Rocky V

= 1 star

Starring Ben Stiller, Malin Akerman, Michelle Monaghan
Directed by Bobby and Peter Farrelly

Synopsis

Eddie Cantrow (Ben Stiller) is forty, single, and lonely. He hastily marries Lila (Malin Akerman) whom he meets on a San Francisco street. Unfortunately, Eddie soon learns his new bride is not what he expected, and he’s increasingly distracted by Miranda (Michelle Monaghan) during his honeymoon in Cabo.

The Good

• The film starts out in rom-com mode with a pleasant set-up of a forty year old bachelor looking to get hitched ASAP. The whole theme of why older guys get cold feet and avoid marriage is worth exploring.
• Several neat San Francisco locations — Potrero Hill, a pier near the Ferry Building, Hyde street cable car, the exterior of Mario’s Bohemian Cigar Store, and bike riding over Crissy Field.

The Bad

• As soon as the honeymoon begins, the film starts going off the rails and never recovers. The initial subject of male insecurity is soon forgotten and buried under silly sight gags and compromising situations (deviated septum, horrible sunburn, senseless lies that return to haunt the wandering libido).
• There are two shockingly crass sex scenes that are meant to be funny, but frankly, I found them rather disturbing.
• I did get one big laugh near the film’s end when Stiller becomes a creepy stalker, because it was such a ridiculous place for this film to go, and it unfortunately went there.
• How much humiliation can one actor heap upon himself? Amid the constant abuse, Stiller looks bored, with an unintentional been-here-done-that kind of vibe. No surprise, since he has. I assume he got a hefty paycheck.

Conclusion

Skip it. This film definitely crosses into semi-so-bad-it’s-good territory but isn’t that bad.

The Farrelly brothers have been deservedly usurped by the Apatow machine for raunchy humor with heart, via wussy characters one actually gives a fig about.

Also, the “Ben Stiller meets constant abuse as he searches for love” has become an increasingly silly genre unto itself, in which Meet The Parents / There’s Something About Mary are still the best. Why even try to top them? It must be that paycheck.

IMDB: The Heartbreak Kid
Wikipedia: The Heartbreak Kid
Rotten Tomatoes: The Heartbreak Kid 29%

= 1 star

Starring Yun-Fat Chow, Seann William Scott, Jaime King
Directed by Paul Hunter

Synopsis

Sixty years ago, a martial-arts monk (Chow Yun-Fat) is appointed guardian of a mysterious scroll with life-prolonging powers. In the present day, the monk has chosen Kar (Seann William Scott) as a new guardian and apprentice. Meanwhile, evil people search for the scroll, seeking to possess its mystical powers.

The Good

• Yun-Fat Chow is remarkably solid — a good sport despite all the stupidity going on around him.
• A few cool fight scenes with crazy wire work.

The Bad

• Seann William Scott, better known as Stilfer from American Pie, is awkwardly miscast as a martial arts student.
• Feels like a lame hodgepodge of martial arts, buddy comedy, fantasy, and Indiana Jones wanna-be questing.
• The tragically cheesy plot just gets more and more ridiculous, with an elderly Dick Cheney-esque German guy, meaningless pseudo-mystical advice, and the obligatory hot Russian mafia princess Jade (Jamie King) who pulls some tragically funny martial arts moves on a living room floor.

Conclusion

As with A Guy Thing: don’t waste your time. For martial arts comedy, may I whole-heartedly recommend The Karate Kid. I barely got through Bulletproof Monk and enjoyed the act of deleting the iTunes movie file more than the film itself.

IMDB: Bulletproof Monk
Wikipedia: Bulletproof Monk
Rotten Tomatoes: Bulletproof Monk

= 1 star

Starring Jason Lee, Julia Stiles, Selma Blair
Directed by Chris Koch

Synopsis

Paul (Jason Lee) is about to marry Karen (Selma Blair) but wakes up in bed next to Becky (Julia Stiles) — Karen’s cousin. Paul begins to reconsider his relationship with Karen.

The Good

• Much sympathy for Julia Stiles, Jason Lee, and Selma Blair, who are decent elsewhere. They provide a base level of entertainment amid the cinematic schlock.

The Bad

• Predictable, like a low-rent Meet The Parents or There’s Something About Mary. You know who will end up with whom; it’s just a matter of how many painful situations they musy endure to get there. Here, we have shopping for crab medicine, pot at a rehearsal dinner, and soiled panties in a toilet.
• Extremely lazy direction, with no buildup or pay off to the limp jokes.
• The sort of flick where in the absence of decent material, characters fall down for laughs. That doesn’t work either.

Conclusion

Don’t waste your time with A Guy Thing. Unfortunately, the whole 99 cent rental concept is less of a deal when it includes intolerable flicks like this.

IMDB: A Guy Thing
Wikipedia: A Guy Thing
Rotten Tomatoes: A Guy Thing 25%

= 1 star

Starring Elvis Presley, Stella Stevens, Laurel Dodge
Directed by Norman Taurog

Synopsis

Hawaiian fisherman Ross Carpenter (Elvis Presley) must choose between two women, Robin (Stella Stevens) and Laurel (Laurel Dodge).

The Good

• One good Elvis number, the appropriately titled Return To Sender.

The Bad

• The movie takes place in Hawaii, but it may as well have been Mississippi. Many indoor scenes are surely staged on some Hollywood set. That’s a shame, especially after Blue Hawaii where many nostalgic Hawaiian locations were used to good effect. Girls! Girls! Girls! has the Ala Wai yacht harbor, a tuna cannery, and ocean.
• Songs about shrimping.
• It provides the minimum amount of plot between musical numbers to create a movie. Unfortunately the musical numbers are too weak to hold everything together.

Conclusion

Skip it. I rented this flick to hear Elvis sing several classic rock numbers and see some cool Hawaiian locations. I got neither. Rent Blue Hawaii instead.

IMDB: Girls! Girls! Girls!
Wikipedia: Girls! Girls! Girls!