I’m sorry. There just isn’t any way for me to describe Microsoft’s Songsmith any other way. I seriously cannot understand how anybody could take this product seriously at this point.

It starts with an amusing idea: sing a melody and the computer program comes up with an accompanying chord progression. Unfortunately, the the resultant music – if you could call it that – as demonstrated in this cheesy-beyond-belief video, is absolutely horrible. Human songwriters have absolutely nothing to worry about.

The music is technically “good” from a music theory perspective of chords that go along with certain melodies, and to demonstrate something new a computer can do, but in every other way, it’s absolute shit. I rarely swear on this blog, but this music deserves it. The melodies are pathetic, the chord progressions obvious, and the instrumentation sounds like something my cat would come up with via the old Casiotone with that one-finger chord setting. It evokes only one reaction: turn this crap off.

Here’s another prime demonstration of this miracle software. Someone had the bright idea to process a David Lee Roth vocal track from Running With The Devil.

The resulting tune is craptastically funny in so many ways. First, without the backing of the brothers Van Halen, the song completely sucks. Second, the Casiotone polka rhythm makes Diamond Dave sound like he’s fronting the worst band in the known universe that couldn’t rock if their feet were stapled to a see-saw. Then there are some laugh-out-loud moments (if you can bear to listen long enough to get to them) – the spinny-whistle at 2:00 and the absolutely un-rock ending to the song. It’s so bad, it’s hilarious.

I apologize to the engineers that likely spent months creating this product. But this product is inherently flawed: it solves a problem few people have, does it poorly, and therefore ends up being something few people will want. It’s the musical equivalent of the Pasta Cooker Cylinder. Then the video comes in and blows whatever positives away with a complete lack of self-awareness. If any of the people in the video burst into song within five feet of me, I’d call the cops for aural waterboarding.

These two videos, one intentional and one not, make the product sound like an absolute joke, and now that this first impression is out, there will be no way to take it back.

And a final thought: These two videos just point out how awesome Apple’s Garageband is. Learn how to play an actual instrument. Start with some guitar lessons from Sting. Meanwhile, Steve Jobs rubs his hormone-imbalanced hands together with glee.

Maybe he’ll call up David Lee Roth to record some singing lessons.

 Please subscribe to the Webomatica RSS Feed!

Posted In: Apple

Related Posts:
iTunes Isn't That Bad; It Could Be Worse
Meme: Tweeting Icons
Thoughts On Apple's Ping

Previous Post: Battlestar Galactica: The Face Of The Enemy
Next Post: Movie Notes: There Will Be Blood