Webomatica’s Worst Movies Of 2008
Unfortunately, in addition to awesome movies, I reviewed many horrible ones over the course of the year. Some I brought upon myself via the So Bad It’s Good contest, but many more were inadvertent viewings. That’s definitely the worst situation I find myself in, optimistically starting a movie, coming to the realization that it is full of fail, and afterward feeling like I’ve wasted two hours of my life and I would have had a better time cleaning the cat litter. Writing a terrible review then becomes a cathartic experience where I get to release my frustration.
So here are links to all the zero or one star rated movie reviews so you can do yourself a favor and avoid these cinematic tragedies. Enjoy.
The Bad
Things eventually snowball to a nonsensical climax where everyone makes their way back to the original house, locusts swarm over Washington DC, the caretaker nearly burns up Dr. Tuskin, and Lamont chokes and has sex with Regan simultaneously. I won’t claim to understand what the hell happened here (something to do with turning the victim of the first movie into the savior of the second), but they should have brought back James Earl Jones in the giant locust outfit.
The ending just begs to be spoiled. Dad shoots his sister, spraying blood on one of the kids. He starts sucking his thumb. Dog attacks dad. Second kid tries to shoot the dog and accidentally shoots his own “pa.” A really long, pointless shot of the younger kid sucking his thumb while sitting in the front seat of Darla’s car before they drive off to parts unknown. All this death and destruction, and all I could think was, that thumb must taste good.
Oh crap, the doctor’s assistant is a dwarf. Is this Mike Meyer’s inspiration for Mini Me?
An assistant is told, with hefty amounts of reverb, to find a young, healthy strong body. He hides in a girl’s closet. She disrobes, only to faint when she sees… a big tall bald dude. What the hell is going on here? The tuba music has no answers.
Imagine the future morons of Idiocracy except taken dead seriously. At least the humans have an excuse for their retardation — they’ve been enslaved for 700 years. The Psychlos, with teleporters and space ships, are inexplicably even dumber than the humans. The movie documents their moronic efforts to outsmart each other.
I write this review as a public service to prevent others from wasting their time with such cinematic toxicity. Steve Jobs, if the 99 cent rentals scrape the barrel like this one, I’ll quit renting them. You owe me a year of your salary just for the blind man and the potato.
Taking a cue from the coyote cartoons, the flick could have gone far funnier places. How about Georgina becoming a hooker? How about using Clem as man-bait and then engaging in a threesome? How about a sperm-bank heist? How about jumping the fertility doctor? Ready conflict remains sadly unexploited — a hook up with Zak’s best friend, or Zak accidentally gets the “rich girl” rival pregnant. But no, the film saunters lazily toward the obvious, safe ending, just like the safe sex Georgina has surely practiced all her life.
Murphy is meant to be Audrey Hepburn (or at least, dress like her) a point hammered home when several characters watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s. They later watch Notting Hill. It just points out the film’s failings in comparison to these far superior films. Brittany is no Audrey; no way!
A completely unsatisfying ending. Here, I’ll ruin it for you: Bill finally decides he hates his life and is leaving town for “something better.” What is this new life? Where is he going? He doesn’t say.
Out of all the Resident Evil flicks, this one felt the most like watching someone else playing a video game. This was not a good thing.
A good sign of movie boredom is when one starts analyzing actors’ looks. I questioned the reality of the Rock’s facial hair. My wife thought Thurman looked like a goat, and we both concluded Travolta’s lower jaw is wider than his forehead, leading him to increasingly resemble a reptile. Apologies, but the movie itself wasn’t holding our interest.
Mr. Freedom occasionally hits home when it links American stupidity, pointless consumerism, and the American military complex, but overall, it takes too long to get its point across, and rarely does it in an entertaining fashion.
Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine
This film is infamous for reuniting several folks from the Beach Party flicks, helped inspire Austin Powers, and was directed by Norman Taurog of Elvis’s cinematic meanderings. All this information surrounding the film is better than the movie itself. The trailer provides all the cheesy camp you need.
While Rocky V gets some credit for a smarter story and a return to Rocky’s roots, it’s saddled by crappy acting and a completely unsatisfying finale.
The “Ben Stiller meets constant abuse as he searches for love” has become an increasingly silly genre unto itself, in which Meet The Parents / There’s Something About Mary are still the best. Why even try to top them? It must be that paycheck.
I barely got through Bulletproof Monk and enjoyed the act of deleting the iTunes movie file more than the film itself.
Unfortunately, the whole (iTunes) 99 cent rental concept is less of a deal when it includes intolerable flicks like this.
Skip it. I rented this flick to hear Elvis sing several classic rock numbers and see some cool Hawaiian locations. I got neither. Rent Blue Hawaii instead.
Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer
I guess it’s an exploration of the indescribable power of scent (possibly pheromones) as a primal communication lost by modern society. That’s great, but did it have to involve a serial killer? Despite attempts to romanticize this idea, it basically distills down (no pun intended) to a strange social misfit with an extremely depressing sexual fetish.
Aeon Flux seems conflicted between accessibility to a mainstream audience and the bizarre imagery of the animated version. I feel it goes too far toward the former and contains not enough of the latter. I actually got bored watching this flick. Skip the movie and watch the cartoon instead.