Movie Notes: Do Or Die

August 23rd, 2007

Note: This is an entry in the Second Webomatica Contest: So Bad They’re Good Movies

0 stars
So Bad It’s Good Rating –7 stars

Starring Pat Morita, Erik Estrada, Donna Speir
Directed by Andy Sidaris

Andy Sidaris may be the Alfred Hitchcock of So Bad It’s Good movies. His “Bullets, Bombs, and Babes” style flicks all follow a fairly standard pattern:

• Exotic location (usually Hawaii).
• Playboy or Penthouse playmates in starring roles. This means little acting talent, but they bring considerable assets — of another sort — to certain scenes.
• B-movie actors (Do Or Die features Pat Morita and Erik Estrada).
• Scads of senseless action and cartoon violence.
• Low budget for a quicker road to profit.

This sort of movie has a specific target audience: bored twenty something college males. The movies are direct to video and rented by folks tempted by the women wielding weapons on the box covers. The low budget surely means it’s easier for the film to make back its investment.

While this sounds like great film-making from the business point of view, from the aesthetic perspective — they completely suck. Do Or Die is essentially soft porn with tons of mindless, dumb action movie contrivances like explosions and a connect-the-dots plot. However, due to the odd combination of Pat Morita (he plays a bad guy with the same last name as mine) and having grown up in Hawaii, this dumb movie hits a sweet spot of numb-skull entertainment.

Here’s the quick run down:

• We start with some cheesy synthesizer music. We’re on Molokai in Hawaii.
• Two women with extremely large bosoms are revealed to be government agents. Two muscle men with equally large biceps bring the pair to Kane (Pat Morita) who wants to kill them. Kane reveals that his full name is “Kaneshiro”. Alright, what joker submitted this film to the contest?
• Not even 7.00 minutes in, we get two nude women in a hot tub. One opens up a suitcase to reveal a satellite phone complete with radar dish. We cut to an executive office at the Sands hotel. On a table is another satellite dish, which is obviously meant to make it quite clear to us stupid viewers that the two individuals are talking to each other. But based on the low budget, I’m certain it’s the exact same prop.
• Kane has a presumably expensive computer that displays a moronically simple graphic. Here is us. There are they. The killer computer graphics are LED lights shining through a paper map. (8:28)
• The government agents, while driving a car, are shot at from behind by a machine-gun wielding muscle man in a helicopter. One of the agents shoots at the copter with a pistol — which is not too effective. A walking cane is turned into a missile launcher which destroys the helicopter. We should remember that random props may be lethal weapons. (9:40)
• Pat Morita performs shiatsu massage on a gorgeous woman, which is largely an excuse for a breast shot. Poor Pat must be wondering what his agent has gotten him into. (14:18)
• Erik Estrada shows up as a colonel. This movie just received –4 so bad it’s good points. We’re then treated to the most ridiculous backwards undressing scene ever, in a trailer at a remote control airplane show. (19:15)
• The agents, now driving in another car, are shot at from behind by bad guys in a car following them. They ought to avoid motorized vehicles, because any time they drive one, they’re shot at from behind. (27:26)
• Erik Estrada shows up with a really cool gun that sounds like a roman candle. (28:28)
• Some cowboy lounge where a really awful Achy Breaky Heart song is performed by a hot wench in a cheesy lingerie. A Fabio look-alike throws in some odd moves, and we’re thrust into a sudden and totally cheesy love scene. I feel unclean.
• A cat dies after eating poisoned catfish, keeping the diners from eating the food themselves. It sure is convenient to have a hungry animal show up at the right moment. (44:40)
• All these central characters seated around the table are completely indistinguishable from one another — I can’t even remember their names. This was also a problem in Plan 9 From Outer Space. (51:44)
• If you ever want to see a Pat Morita love scene, now you know where to look. I wish I hadn’t. (53:53)
• Remember those random props? Erik Estrada has three baseballs in his pocket. It’s later revealed one is actually a bomb. (1:00:00)
• Another pat Morita love scene. Was this in his contract? (1:05:00)
• Um. Really large — hair styles — beneath a very small waterfall. (1:10:20)
• “My god they’re shooting at us!” Because they’re driving a boat, of course two people will approach from behind and start attacking. (1:13:05)
• Yes, even Pat Morita has a satellite dish on his desk. (1:21:00)
• Ridiculous martial arts fighting. Two ninjas rise out of piles of leaves for a battle. One agent hits a ninja with a baseball bat. A ninja star is thrown into the other’s shin. Hey, I thought this was hand to hand combat — you cheaters! (1:25:00)
• A remote control helicopter is equipped with missiles. The two ninjas creep into a woodshed. Boom. Awesome, this means the film is nearly over! (1:29:13)

I’ve seen several of the Andy Sidaris films, and probably recall Hard Ticket To Hawaii most fondly. I don’t think there’s much continuity between them. I actually would be impressed if someone told me they had seen them all — and can actually distinguish one from another.

IMDB: Do Or Die