Movie Notes: Reform School Girls

August 11th, 2007

Note: This is an entry in the Second Webomatica Contest: So Bad They’re Good Movies

Reform School Girls

0 stars
So Bad It’s Good Rating = -8 stars

Starring Linda Carol, Wendy O. Williams, Sybil Danning
Directed by Tom DeSimone

Movies My eyes are really burning now, but there’s much laughter. Reform School Girls features tough women acting manly, senseless violence, a crayon-on-construction-paper plot, tortured emotion, cat fights, prison riots, ridiculous camera angles, over-acting, pointless underwear and nudity, a low budget, and cheesy soundtrack to boot. Did I leave anything out? Think 1986 on infinite repeat over night on some pay cable channel. It’s bad and badderer.

The so-bad-it’s-funny movie elements of Reform School Girls are endless, but here’s my abridged list:

Movie title appears over shocked juvenile Jenny’s (Linda Carol) face. After a stern lecture from a judge, the gavel starts a rock tune and the film begins. (2:04)
The words “Pride More” on the van are stickers. I love it when a film is too cheap to spray paint on a rented vehicle. (4:44)
Not even five minutes in and the women have to undress, take a shower, and sprayed down with DDT. (5:30)
Lisa is not used to hard time and has a stuffed bunny toy that she can’t give up. It squeaks. It’s all she has in the world! (6:21)
We met Edna (Pat Ast), the head matron - Nurse Ratchet on steroids. She takes Lisa’s bunny away. Squeak, Squeak. (9:16)
The dorm looks like a Motley Crue video. This film was made when both band members and groupies sported the same hair styles. (12:40)
Charlie (Wendy O Williams), the resident tough dame, is lifting a barbell. She’s blond, brutal, and usually wears a leather bikini. She should have been the villain in Runaway instead of Gene Simmons. Fight! (14:34)
Are those tampons hanging from chains? (16.09)
Stuffed rabbit on fire. (24:43)
Keyboard music for the entry of Warden Sutter (Sybil Danning), a dominatrix warden with an S on her buckle. I have to watch Battle Beyond The Stars again. (34:05)
Hard labor means hoeing in one dirt patch with little bits of carrots scattered about. Hey, that’s the first man we’ve seen in quite some time; guess what he’ll be doing later. (37:12)
“You’re all wankers! This is place was running smooth until you started messing things up!” The contraband kitten is out of the bag. (1:05:42)
Lisa dies falling from water tower. Crazy prison riot - beds, feathers flying, women in underwear destroying everything. Warden Sutter fires a shot gun to end this nonsense. (1:10:05)
Edna empties a fire hose on Jenny. Phallic symbol noted. 1:14:03.
Why does Edna have such a long ash on her cigarette? (1:22:15)
The angry women march for justice. Edna grabs a gun and starts shooting, causing everyone to run in circles and scream. I think the leather bikini has out worn its welcome. (1:24:48)
Oh wait, “Pridemore” is spray painted on the bus. I guess I was wrong about low budget. (1:27:35)
The climax is serious B-Movie schlock-o-rama. Charlie rides a bus into the water tower and the whole thing blows up in flames. (1:27:59)

Man this movie was bad. It’s so bad I constantly wondered if the filmmakers intended it to be so awful or were they just looking for a quick buck?

The music was all done by Wendy O. Williams, lead singer for the Plasmatics. She kinda sounds like Byran Adams crossed with KISS and Joan Jett. Her gruff performance is the primary reason to see this film. But don’t take that as an endorsement.