Get ready for iPhone Madness next week Friday. While I’m just as excited as the next geek, the Jobsian fanatic tech-circus will certainly spawn the same wacky reactions as every other Apple product’s debut over the past decade. Expect all the items below to happen in multiple locations simultaneously nationwide, and the articles documenting said events to appear on Digg, Slashdot, Ars Technica, Engadget, Metafilter, Flickr, YouTube, and blogs galore.

• Someone will die in the iPhone hysteria, because someone else wanted their iPhone or they were crushed by a crowd that couldn’t wait to get one.
• Someone will buy an iPhone and immediately smash it to pieces in front of the people still waiting in line. This video will go up on YouTube. Already, I found two sites hoping to do this nefarious deed, SmashSomeStuff.com an Smash My iPhone.com. Both are raising money for this task, so it’s totally up to you if you want to encourage them.

• Expect so-so late night talk show jokes like “They finally caught Osama Bin Laden… he came out of hiding to buy iPhone.” etc. Maybe Triumph the Insult Dog will show up and heckle Apple geeks by flashing a brown Zune.
• Local reporters will acost Apple fan boys who waited overnight in line, asking pointless questions like “How long have you been standing here?” “How can you be so excited by a product you’ve never seen?” Cut to a weather man shaking his head, then saying “I want one too!”
• Look for sexy unboxing galleries and even more erotically charged take-aparts where the innards of the iPhone and Apple profit margin.
• Apple will run out of iPhones and have serious problems catching up with the demand for way too long.
• iPhones will appear on eBay, sold by people who bought several for the express idea of raking in large profit.
• Angry reports will emerge that the iPhone is prone to scratches, possibly imagined.
• Someone will test the iPhone’s durability by throwing it in the air repeatedly and driving over it with a car. All without one to so recklessly damage will cry.
• Someone will hack the iPhone and install Doom or Linux on it.
• Someone will launch a web app or skin for other phones that blatantly mimics the UI of the iPhone so all the people without can pretend. Apple will shut them down.
• Someone will find a totally minor cosmetic flaw like the top case is 0.05 millimeters wider than the bottom half, and use this as an excuse to bash everything Apple and threaten a class action lawsuit.
• Apple will come out with a press release about two weeks after Friday boasting huge sales numbers – something in the millions.
• People will dress up like iPhones for Halloween (resulting in a contest).
• Someone will do something shamelessly graphic regarding an iPod. No link – use your imagination…
• Some useful, some bizarre iPhone accessories. It looks like several websites are already set up, just waiting for the traffic. The 2008 MacWorld will have to rent out Moscone West to house them.

So that’s my list. Any other predictions?

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Posted In: Apple

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