You’ve seen the films, some computer generated animated extravaganza from Pixar or Dreamworks featuring talking fish with voices by famous actors. I love many of these CGI dream-works as much as anyone, but at times they can seem rather… similar. Here are some similarities to look out for next time you take the kids out to see “Ferrets“.

Note: “Ferrets” is not a real movie. I made it up for the purpose of this post.

1. Plural Noun Title. Bugs. Cars. Toys. Robots. Ants. Incredibles. Lima Beans. The film’s idea should consist of one word. Two words are becoming acceptable (Bug’s Life, Happy Feet), but one word is the Holy Grail.

2. Voices By At Least One Famous Actor and One Stand-up Comedian. Pair Luke Wilson with Eddie Murphy. Or Helen Hunt with Woody Allen. Or Clint Eastwood with Ben Stiller. The voices must be distinct enough so the adults spend some time muttering, “That ferret sounds an awful lot like William Shatner!”

3. Ethnic Diversity. Make sure at least one of your cars, ants, weasels, or ferrets is of a different ethnicity. An over-the-top, borderline racist accent is acceptable since an animated Hindi ferret shouldn’t be inherently offensive to anyone. Think Jar Jar.

4. Character Metamorphosis. A common story arc is that the ferret society is messed up in some way, and the main character feels like a loner in this crazy world. Through the course of the film, they will see the error of their ways and make a emotional change, and possibly change the society in the process. I’m still waiting to see “caterpillars.”

5. Multi Layered Gag Scene. At least one scene should be a comic tour deforce, containing witty lines, visual gags, visual puns, and social satire. This will make hard-core fans want to buy the DVD in order to watch the film multiple times.

6. Mimic Movie Classics. Throw in a few classic movie references. Most of this will go right over the audience’s heads, but it will win the critics over and make the film more sophisticated if it shows an awareness of cinema pre 1990. Or just reference Miyazaki.

7. Working Together. At some point the crazy cast should get together and contribute to some project, showing the value of working as a team to do the impossible. Each individual contributes their own personal talent to achieve a greater goal.

8. Emotional part. At least one scene, about two thirds of the way in, should be a totally serious, heart-tugging one. Usually it’s a montage with sad music and scenes of ferrets wanting to kill themselves with knitting needles. It should make sobbing a distinct possibility, partly because of geniune sorrow, but also from embarrassment that a computer generated ferret is making you well up.

9. One Doozy Of A Scene. This could be a high speed chase, an acrobatic duel on a conveyor belt, or an underwater ferret battle – something that shows off how far CGI has come since last summer. Feature really hard to animate things like water, fur, or Ben Stein.

10. Blooper Reel. Everybody loves credits with some last minute gags of computer generated actors making mistakes – which of course is impossible, but that’s part of the gag. Just make sure to throw in a line about how no actual ferrets were harmed in the making of this film. Only their reputations.

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