Music Notes: Bands I Hope Never Get Back Together
It’s kind of a cliche, a rock band breaks up, and decades years later, they reunite, probably after each member has tried a solo act, written movie soundtracks, or gone Broadway and failed miserably (even scarier if it’s the drummer that succeeds). The list is endless regarding bands I grew up with, now reforming for one last stab at rock stardom, rehashing their oldies: The Pixies, Sex Pistols, The Bangles, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Eagles, Dinosaur Jr.
Anyhow, I recently read that Van Halen had contacted David Lee Roth and the uber early 80s hard rock band might get back to rocking, which got me thinking… about some bands that I pray never get the reunion tour bug.
For these groups, the prospect of a reunion would either be too embarrassing, or the music they made in their younger days was too incredible to shame with the flotsam and jetsam of solo careers and receeding hair lines.
1. The Beatles
Thankfully, only Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are around, so the Fab Four will never reunite, but even if John Lennon and George Harrison were here today, a comeback would likely be a musical disaster (a $500 a ticket one, mind you). Due to the egos involved, we might have had to deal with the treat of both Yoko and Linda (on autoharp) contributing backing vocals.
I also pray Paul doesn’t ever get the idea of ever touring with Ringo augmented by John or George stand ins, such as Elvis Costello and Eric Clapton, for example. That’s a musical lawsuit just waiting to happen - let it be. Meanwhile, the Cirque de Soleil LOVE show and the two songs Free As A Bird and Real Love are all we really need.
2. ABBA
The world still loves ABBA, otherwise how could you explain Mamma Mia, Bjorn Again, the ABBA Teens, or Ace of Base. But because the perfect pop group consisted of two now-divorced couples, the image of them making sweet music together would be an awkward scene, not to mention squeezing into those polyester leotards.
This hasn’t stopped people from offering the Swedish former-band mates $1 billion dollars to reunite (yes, that’s approaching YouTube numbers). Frida has expressed interest, but Bjorn says no. He’s been quoted as saying: “We would just be pathetic. ABBA is over. Period.”
3. Guns n’ Roses
Right now Axl Rose is trapped in a self-imposed musical exile, due to his inability to complete and release the Chinese Democracy album, which has been years and millions of dollars in the making. One of these days, he’ll conclude that his lack of musical output is due to the missing elements of Slash and Izzy, and attempt to get the band back together again.
I beg Slash, Duff, and Izzy: don’t. The music created by the original Guns n’ Roses on Appetite for Destruction is perfect as is. By the time the double album Use Your Illusion came out (only their second) they were already jumping the shark, with piano infused power ballads and Axl moaning over techno beats. Any future Guns n’ Roses album - even with the original team - would end up mired in a multi-year development hell, and the potential tour would consist of a yelping, grossy-obese “Chris Farley” style Axl featuring even more plastic surgery, with every other concert date being canceled due to riots or laryngitis. The world doesn’t need this blasphemy, even if Sweet Child Of Mine has a killer guitar lick.
4. The Police
![Synchronicity [Digipak]](http://ec2.images-amazon.com/images/P/B00008BRB5.01._SCTHUMBZZZ_V1116509521_.jpg)
Sting, the man of tantric yoga, Disney tunes, and repetitive hit songs, was once a rocker of the best kind, a guy who belted out Roxanne and Don’t Stand So Close To Me while playing bass, like he had a raging hard-on. His mid-eighties solo stuff was half decent too.
Anyhow, from what I understand the band members have a lot of disagreements and bitterness towards each other. Guitarist Andy Summers says, “I don’t think Sting has any interest. I think he has gone to another place.” I think that place is the tantric one with the 8-hour orgasm. Who needs The Police when you got that?
5. Genesis
Phil Collins became a lead singer, Peter Gabriel has morphed into some Kate Bush style musical isolationist on Mars… and then there’s Mike and The Mechanics. I can handle some Shock the Monkey but not I Can’t Dance or even The Living Years. How on earth will they ever make a concert-ready combination of art rock roots and the Disney Tarzan stuff?
Unfortunately, this reunion might be in the works as I write this. What are the cross-marketing possibilities of Peter Gabriel’s face paint and the Lion King Broadway show?
6. The Smashing Pumpkins
I’m a moderate Pumpkins fan but I think they were perfect as is, and were best around Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie. Billy Corgan is a musical master but also egotistical, and unfortunately I could see him deciding twenty years from now, that the Pumpkins were better with James Iha and Darcy (he still seems to be on good terms with drummer Jimmy Chamberlin).
But the Pumpkins was pretty much a Corgan-mastermind production, and his latest work has been pretty substandard. I fear by the time he wants a full reunion (with James and Darcy), it will be because he can’t come up with anything decent as a solo artist - which means disaster for the Pumpkins. So a report like this worries me. But so far, it sounds like James and Darcy are thankfully not involved. Better to sit this one out unless Corgan shares more of the songwriting duties.
8. Wham!
This is right around the corner. George Michael is showing up in the British tabloids more than the charts. It’s just a matter of time before he calls up Andrew Ridgely (the creator of Son of Albert - the only album I’d ever seen get zero stars in Rolling Stone), they don those huge T-Shirts, and Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
For better or worse, I’m sure Elton John will have some interesting things to say about this eventuality.
9. Culture Club
Last I checked, the band reformed and was going on tour without Boy George. I don’t think that really counts as a reunion. It’s as if 10,000 Maniacs went on tour without Natalie Merchant.
Anyways, after Boy’s brief satirical apperance in The Wedding Singer, the debacle that was Taboo and a community service stint, a reunion can’t be far off.
10. The Beach Boys
The story of what the Beach Boys are up to today is a tangled mess of confusion. It seems Mike Love currently tours under the Beach Boys name, while Brian Wilson, fresh off the critical success of his Smile! revival, does a note perfect Pet Sounds concert with a different band, The Wondermints.
Anyhow, the combination of these now fragmented musical forces would certainly implode into complete chaos, especially with Brian Wilson’s fragile psyche, standing alone onstage with a keyboard. I don’t ever want to live to see a band attempt to integrate the glory that is God Only Knows with the utter tripe that is Kokomo. Any potential audience would similarly be polarized: fans of one Beach Boys version might be scared away by the other.
However, If you could somehow work in both Wilson sisters and some assorted Phillips (meaning about fifty people on stage), I’d pony up the $1 billion.
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